


That "Boss Baby" movie, but the baby is Dirk.

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [21]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Pour one out for Dirk’s missing childhood, crack and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-11-02 04:29:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20622170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: Gift fic for PCM as a thank you for always being so supportive, lol.





	That "Boss Baby" movie, but the baby is Dirk.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PaopuConMostaza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaopuConMostaza/gifts).

Hangovers are never fun, but they'll take a turn for the worse when you discover your godforsaken husband as a baby. Jake screams in horror, having blacked out and forgotten all of the night's festivities. Dirk raises his tiny hands to his ears, grimacing.

"Dude, that's my role."

"This isn't happening... How in the blazes did you-"

"To make a long story short, you became all emotional and shit over the childhood I apparently missed out on, keeled over, and now, here we are."

"... Great Scott!"

"Yep. Anyway, you’re probably too brainfried to do anything about it in the near future. Which is kind of inconvienient, but I'll live... Just don't expose me to the outside world, and we're g-"

"Jane, I... Yes, I _know!_ I feel like a dog's breakfast myself, but listen, it's an emergency- Dirk... He's... baby. I swear on my gran's urn- I'm not pulling your leg! Please-"

"Fuckin' great; now all of China knows. Send a pic while you're at it, why don't you?" 

"That's a good idea. I'll call her back via facetime so she'll have reason to belie-"

"Sarcasm."

"Right, sorry... She's on her way; I just- I think she's the only one capable of handling anything child-related."

"My mind is intact. I can take care of myself just fine."

"... You can't even stand," he giggles.

"Give me my shades; fine motor skills are for chumps."

He obliges him, but they're far too big to wear. Dirk heaves an exasperated sigh, tossing them aside after several failed attempts. They wait in awkward silence until Jane arrives.

At first, she's bewildered, and then she starts laughing hysterically. She coos over him, scooping him up. He makes a disgruntled huff, trying to deflect her kisses. 

"I'm sorry; I can't stand it! You're just too goshdarn_ cute!"_

"Oh, hey, just had an epiphany. Instead of waiting for Jake to screw his head on straight, why not simply decapitate me? I'm serious; it might undo... this."

"Not happening, buster."

"Worth a shot. Sidenote- sylladexes are apparently childproof. Ageism at its finest."

Jake returns with a couple pillows, still rattled but able to build a makeshift chair to sit Dirk upright. 

"I deserve this, probably. The infantilizing, humiliation, and helplessness, not the pampering."

"So, all he had to do was "hope" you into a baby? I'll admit, it's a bit unsettling..."

"I brought him home wasted, and then he started crying over all of the supposedly nice aspects of growing up that I didn't experience. He wished that he could make it better, which is literally impossible for anyone not jacked with reality warping powers. It was accidental, though. He passed out right after, so I had a while to lay around and contemplate my joke of an existence." 

They don't have anything witty to say about that, so Jake leaves again to make a pot of coffee. When he returns with only two mugs, Dirk scowls at the nearest action figure he's been provided. 

"I have the right to caffeine. Hand it over, or suffer my pediatric wrath." 

They crack up, ignoring his demand because they're unsure if it would make the situation worse. However, Roxy shows up soon after and creates a baby bottle full of orange juice. He tries to drink it with the lid off and fails miserably, resigning to the succ. 

"Pretty sure OJ ain't for toddlers- it’s, like, eighty percent battery acid and sawdust. Can't I at least get some soda?"

"Sorry Di-Stri, but I don't wanna havta burp ya... I ain't changin' no damn diapers, either," she mutters, disgusted at the idea. 

"Ew, fuck no. I forgot that was a thing for one blissful moment..."

"Aight, dontchu worry- we'll figure somethin' out. Just gotta improvise!" 

Jake opts to sleep off the rest of his migraine, letting the others go hogwild in the hopes that he'll wake up and find that it was just a trippy dream. Dave raps phonics and choo-choo trains Dirk wet, mashed Doritos in vain before Dad intervenes. He fathers the hell out of him, providing proper nutrition and care. Roxy fanagles a hoverchair-slash-quantum shitter, Rose reads him a storybook to kill time, and then Jade helpfully resizes his spare shades. Kanaya whips up cozy, one-piece pajamas with feet so that he doesn't have to remain swaddled in his shirt. Karkat paps him to sleep while she hisses soothingly. John shows up later with a _Sesame Street_ VHS collection, and it's all downhill from there. The ordeal becomes far too unironic and wholesome for Dirk’s liking, even if he does secretly want to rival Jade and Roxy’s plushie collections after this. He thought the smuppets were soft; he had no idea what he was missing out on...

Thankfully, the hangover wears off by dusk and Jake can function again. They leave to spare any dignity that Dirk might still have, and then Jake manages to hope him back to normal. They’re both out of sorts for a while, but by the next day Dirk has acquired fresh produce and a secondhand food processor. Jake doesn’t question the abundance of thrifted doohickeys and children's toys that follow, and Dirk doesn't acknowledge their presence. It isn't until the end of the month that they vaguely address it. Jake comes home early and finds Dirk wearing a knockoff kigurumi, watching _The Muppets _while drinking homemade vegetable puree with a fun straw. 

"... This isn't what it looks like. Or, maybe it is? It’s therapeutic, or something. I swear to _Bear in the Big Blue House, _if you even consider takin' snaps-"


End file.
